I joined the seminar for ACoAs and ACoDs in July of 2009.
At first, I was surprised how energetic the facilitator was.
She frequently said to us “Begin your opinion with “I think” or “I feel” anytime”, and “Be sure to use feeling adjectives in your opinions and feedback to other members.”
In each seminar, we watched the clinic doctor’s video lectures.
Sometimes we watched other psychologists’ video lecture, too.
Through these video lectures, I learned that the most important thing for solving family problems was for all of us to mind our own business.
According to this theory, it is not useful for me to try to solve my eldest daughter’s truancy problem, or that I got the doctor’s advice instead of her at her appointment; because it’s HER business.
One day, I was asked by the facilitator why I was so generous to my mother in spite of being insulted by her constantly.
Never had I dreamed she had been insulting me since my childhood!
I thought, at least in my childhood, that she was very strict to me, but I had believed she gave tough love to me until I heard the facilitator’s words.
She also told me that my mother had a terribly hurt inner child, which she hadn’t done anything to heal.
“Mother, healing your grief is YOUR business.
Please don’t make me take care of your unhealed inner child anymore.”
My rebelliousness towards her started in this way from the summer of 2009, and I will challenge her forever until I find her grief work complete.
I have been scolded by my daughters several times, saying “you’re so cruel to hate your mother. I can’t hate you the way you hate her.”
“I’m telling her that I dislike her arrogant attitude she shows sometimes to me and you girls.
She doesn’t care how people around her take her words and behavior at all.”
In this way, “mind your own business first” has become the key rule in my family.
Last year, my son, who had withdrawn from his second junior high in September, healed his inner self during his absence and finally went back to school again.
He knew one important implicit social rule; if you become a truant, as a consequence, trust in you will be lost.
Now, my youngest daughter stays at home all day, but I believe she will face her inner self and tackle her problem by herself.
Things will go well in the end, as long as all of us each cherish ourselves.