A Farewell to a Codependent Relationship [4]

I joined the seminar for ACoAs and ACoDs in July of 2009.
At first, I was surprised how energetic the facilitator was.
She frequently said to us “Begin your opinion with “I think” or “I feel” anytime”, and “Be sure to use feeling adjectives in your opinions and feedback to other members.”

In each seminar, we watched the clinic doctor’s video lectures.
Sometimes we watched other psychologists’ video lecture, too.
Through these video lectures, I learned that the most important thing for solving family problems was for all of us to mind our own business.
According to this theory, it is not useful for me to try to solve my eldest daughter’s truancy problem, or that I got the doctor’s advice instead of her at her appointment; because it’s HER business.

One day, I was asked by the facilitator  why I was so generous to my mother in spite of being insulted by her constantly.
Never had I dreamed she had been insulting me since my childhood!
I thought, at least in my childhood, that she was very strict to me, but I had believed she gave tough love to me until I heard the facilitator’s words.
She also told me that my mother had a terribly hurt inner child, which she hadn’t done anything to heal.

“Mother, healing your grief is YOUR business.
Please don’t make me take care of your unhealed inner child anymore.”

 

My rebelliousness towards her started in this way from the summer of 2009, and I will challenge her forever until I find her grief work complete.

I have been scolded by my daughters several times, saying “you’re so cruel to hate your mother.  I can’t hate you the way you hate her.”
“I’m telling her that I dislike her arrogant attitude she shows sometimes to me and you girls.
She doesn’t care how people around her take her words and behavior at all.”

 

In this way, “mind your own business first” has become the key rule in my family.
Last year, my son, who had withdrawn from his second junior high in September, healed his inner self during his absence and finally went back to school again.
He knew one important implicit social rule; if you become a truant, as a consequence, trust in you will be lost.

Now, my youngest daughter stays at home all day, but I believe she will face her inner self and tackle her problem by herself.
Things will go well in the end, as long as all of us each cherish ourselves.

 

 

 

 

 

A Farewell to a Codependent Relationship [3]

“What is unconditional love?”

 

I had believed I was loved enough by my parents until in the summer of 2009.
They were good enough to me, although I felt sometimes that I had to please my mother if I wanted to be loved by her.
This is because I have often heard the tragic memories from her childhood.

Generally, her story begins like this:
“Since I was ten, I have done household chores with my sisters.
Now, I ENVY you because you are not scolded for doing only a little housework.”

Actually, she parted with her mother at the age of 15, and soon after that her father got married again.
“I couldn’t accept my stepmother, and felt like I was being left behind,” she used to say.

I remember clearly my mother’s stories about her past sounded not only sad but also instructive to me.
I was gradually convinced that she compared herself to me at my age and found fault with me unconsciously.

 

In 2009, my eldest daughter was in the 9th grade and rarely attended classes as ever.
I was suffering from short memory-loss then and went to her psychiatrist, but for myself this time.

He gave me a psychological test and diagnosed me as an ACoD (adult children of dysfunctional family), which was very shocking at first.
When he explained to me about my test result, he told me that I FAILED TO rebel against my parents in my adolescence because of my mother’s tragic memories.
He also told me that I could have been able to rebel against them but rather pleased them through behaving myself, for example studying hard at school, and that my elder daughter’s withdrawal from school was not her bad behavior but a typical phenomenon showing that I’d been yearning to rebel against my parents in my subconscious.
“I recommend you join our weekly seminar for ACoAs and ACoDs to acquire a positive mind-set.
Please make sure you take every Friday off if you’re working somewhere.”

I signed up for the seminar; it was the beginning of my endless repentance and soul-searching.

A Farewell to a Codependent Relationship [2]

Let me tell you about my children a little before mentioning my 17-year-old daughter’s reason for poor at getting up early.

———————————————

I have a son and two daughters.
My son is 15, and my two daughters are 13 and 17.
All of my children have experienced persistent absence.

My son had been withdrawn from school for three consecutive weeks when he was in the eighth grade, and he changed school to stay away with some of his classmates who bullied him.
My 13-year-old daughter hates attending school less than her sister, but she sometimes becomes so down that she spends her time all day in her room in spite she has nothing wrong with her.

It seems that my child-rearing has one misfortune after another, but maybe since the fourth year of my eldest daughter’s withdrawal, I’ve been angered less even when seeing all of my three children sleep in past noon and play video games together all evening.
I thank my eldest daughter for her lazy attitude and disputes about the purpose of studying.

“School subjects and activities don’t attract me at all.
I don’t think them available when I grow up!!”

I felt so hopeless to hear the words above from my elder daughter when she was 13.
I went to the psychiatrist with her, who told me to let her do whatever she wanted for a while.
“Give her unconditional love. In other words, accept her every word, idea and behavior supposing she had only six months to go due to cancer.

Gradually, she refused to see the mental health doctor.
When she rejected seeing him, I had him teach me how to get along with her instead.
I realized it was not effective for her to get back to school later.

A Farewell to a Codependent Relationship [1]

Last Saturday, I took my oldest daughter to a vocational college in Tokyo.
It was not our first time we’ve been there.

The vocational college she is going to apply for holds open classes almost every weekend and on holidays.
She wants to major in CG drawing, but the CG drawing lesson was canceled because the CG teacher was off.
She took a cartoon drawing lesson instead.

During her lesson, I was studying at a restaurant near the college over sweets and iced tea.

She is going to live by herself in Tokyo after graduating from her correspondence high school.
My mother is against it, predicting that she could not live a healthy life alone in Tokyo and might become a NEET.
But I agree with her going.
Or rather, it’s me that recommends she stand on her own two feet and leave home, in spite of her habit of oversleeping.
I even said to her, “This is the last year I will act like your servant. Next Spring, we should part from each other.”

Now she has been accustomed to getting up early in the morning, but it’s still a great endeavor for her to get up early and go to school or her part-time job on time.
She has a good reason for being poor at getting up early.

For Back Pain Relief

中山式 快癒器 強弱機能付 4球式 / 快癒器●セール中●☆送料無料☆中山式 快癒器 強弱機能付 4… 価格：2,580円（税込、送料込）

I got this!
I knew it was good for back pain, because my past grandmother used it about thirty years ago.

I occasionally have shoulder pain or back pain, but in my family, it is my older daughter that suffers from back pain most seriously.
She needs massage every morning before she moves, and I am always told to give her neck, shoulders, and back a massage almost every morning.
It takes me so much time, and frankly, it’s a torture for me!!
So I’ve been secretly looking for a tool with which she can stretch her back by herself.

She learned how to use the gadget soon, and felt she was getting better.
I hope I won’t have to give a morning massage to her anymore from tomorrow;^)

平常運行過ぎて怖い入試前日 | My Son’s First Entrance Exam

My son has his first entrance exam tomorrow.
I wonder if he’s prepared enough for his exams.
Even though he has only a couple of days to go before his exams, he is so, or rather, TOO relaxed at home!!

Whenever he is at home, he enjoys nico-nico douga clips or Tohou games on his PC, sometimes both of them 😦

I suspect he can study harder than play games to pass his favorite high school, but he may not have the same idea as mine.
He declares,

I’m all right as long as I enjoy myself with games or nico-nico douga.
It is when I don’t play them or watch them that I’m in depression.
Please don’t worry about me; I study hard OUTSIDE the home.

Some of you may think he’s a Tohou geek, and I think you’re right.
He admits it himself, too!!
But I also believe that to find a hobby he/she is deeply into helps them develop his/her identity. Actually, my son is getting tougher after he changed his school and found someone to share his hobbies.

It’s much more better for me to see my son in his sanctuary after school than him refusing to go to school.
Today’s evening as usual, I ride him from his school to his juku on my way to work. He studies about an hour there before his math lesson, and gets home about 10 p.m.

I hope he can do his best the way as he is…